September

 Do you remember ? 

September is my birthday month .... Also the first year anniversary of starting chemotherapy ,  I can't believe that I. went through all of that !  I can not believe that its been a whole year since I started receiving infusions let alone its been longer than year , that I have had this port implanted inside of me ! 

Last year I was dealing with so much my life was so heavy I really thought I wouldn't make it, I questioned GOD so  many times , why me ? why me? is really the only question I can remember constantly asking , because why the. fuck me? now one year later Im so blessed to actually be here to be able to talk about my experience, I was damn near dead , damn near on my death bed !!!!!  Chemo is a whole fucking bitch in a half I will never ever lie about that shit ! Last year I went to my first chemo infusion, three days after my fathers memorial it was like my last party celebration to myself no one knew I had chemotherapy the following days , that was hard for me. It was Laila's first day back at actual school because I was homeschooling her but when I found about my diagnosis , I knew I had to reenroll her which honestly was a great decision she made friends did extremely well better than expected when your mother has CANCER! Her school is so good , they have really helped a lot shoutout to the public school system because my baby school may be little but honey they held me tf. down. still holding me down. ! 

Now , I am turning 35 !!!! I didn't think I would make it through CHEMO !! I just. always said I cant do this ! I did it ! I really did it ! I fought this ,still fighting ! now its different everyday im grateful. but everyday I live with fear of. reoccurrence , its been pretty sucky for me ..... I just keep getting asked so what's next? what are you going to do? its like my body still hasn't recovered Keytruda is so easy compared to chemo I have two more infusions left to get over with !! I know its never to reinvent yourself but damn im really so old ! I really don't have a clue of to what's next im happy im alive right now im happy I was able to walk my daughter to school this morning!! 

Finding a surgeon who will actually perform the surgery I want is hard with my diagnosis you know they want to wait 5 years ! what if I dont have that just what if im suppose to be unhappy. with my self for the remainder of my life? Thinking going flat because of how uncomfortable these expanders have been ! It's not really. something I want but im considering it .... Having implants wasnt the never the plan for me I know plans get fucked up especially when CANCER is involved , but damn ...  So September suppose to my month of celebration I'm just down, I have been for a while I. hate this honestly I wish by my birthday I am in better spirits ....